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Understanding the Three Entities in Your Relationship

queer tantra Sep 14, 2023

Growing up in this world can be challenging. Not only do we inherit a binary definition of gender, but the binary ‘this or that’ or ‘two opposites’ approach can inhabit other areas of life as well. One of them is relationships.

The model of relationship that I inherited

Playing Barbies with my sisters involved a utopian world of fabulous outfits, hot cars and same-sex marriages in a female-dominated eco-system that lasted for weeks at a time. We could only afford one Ken doll and he lay discarded at the bottom of the gigantic cardboard box that housed layers of satin, stretch and sequined fabrics interspersed with shiny plastic lusted-after grown-up resources such as cars, ponies and kitchens.

However, the caveat was understood that while two Barbies were getting married, we had to pretend that it was a man and a woman. We agreed, however, that it was only fair that both of us got a girl doll to spend hours dressing up and brushing her hair into a complicated do.

Immersed in Hollywood archetypes and fairytale fiction, the relationship model fed to us was built upon two people. Even when my partners turned out to be same-sex, also female, there were still only two people in the relationship.

I remember the day that I realised there was a third entity in my and my partner’s relationship. I’d been busying myself cleaning the house (where so many good creative thoughts come from) and reflecting on my relationship. It was a powerful partnership but there was one area where we were completely stuck. As I scrubbed the sink, tears welled up. I was really stuck and thwarted in this area. And that area was sex.

Why did every other aspect of our relationship work except for this one? I thought angrily as I moved onto the taps, vigorously scrubbing.

And what should I do about it? I went round and round in circles in my head, jumping from my needs to her needs, back to my needs and then hers - and they just didn’t fit together.

As I banged my head on the edge of the shower door (damn apartment living!), I sat down on the closed toilet seat and held my head. The throbbing slowly subsided but the tears were definitely increasing.

How can this work when we have different needs? The truth is we are both selfishly focused on getting those needs met because they have been neglected for so long now. I knew I should also focus on the other person’s needs but actually, I’d given up on that - and my own needs - long ago.

Then it hit me - there is a third entity here. You have your needs, she has her needs and, the relationship itself has needs. The relationship is something that requires tending to over time. If you neglect the relationship, it won’t last.

The Triad of Relationship

The triad of relationship is You, Your Partner, and Your Relationship. Each of these elements requires its own acknowledgment and nurturing. Let's break it down:

  1. You - Embrace Your Needs

Firstly, let's focus on you, the incredible individual you are. In the rush of life, we often forget to prioritize our own needs and desires. Self-care isn't selfish; it's essential. Take time to understand your desires, your boundaries, and what truly brings you joy and fulfillment.

It's important to remember that your desires are valid and worthy of exploration. Don't let societal expectations or past experiences dictate what's right for you.

  1. Your Partner - Listen and Communicate

Your partner is a unique being with their own set of dreams, desires, and challenges. It's crucial to create a safe and open space for them to express themselves. Communication is the cornerstone of any thriving relationship. Listen with an open heart, and be empathetic to their needs.

Remember, empathy and understanding are bridges to deeper connections. Don't hesitate to share your thoughts and feelings, too; vulnerability is a beautiful gift you can give to your partner.

  1. Your Relationship - The Sacred Space

Now, let's turn our attention to the relationship itself. In tantra, relationships are seen as sacred spaces. Just like a plant, they require care, nourishment, and attention to flourish. Neglecting the relationship can lead to a disconnect, which can manifest as 'bed death' or a lack of intimacy.

A relationship is a living entity. It thrives when you nurture it, just like any other aspect of life. Neglecting it can lead to stagnation. 

Pitfalls of Neglecting the Relationship

When we don't tend to the needs of the relationship as a separate entity, we can encounter pitfalls:

  1.  Emotional Disconnect: The emotional bond weakens, leading to feelings of isolation and detachment.
  2.  Loss of Intimacy: 'Lesbian bed death' or any form of intimacy loss can occur, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied.
  3.  Resentment: Unaddressed issues can fester, leading to resentment and communication breakdowns.

These pitfalls can be challenging, but they're not insurmountable. It's an opportunity for growth and transformation.

Empowering Your Journey

Empowering your journey involves understanding that all three elements - You, Your Partner, and Your Relationship - are interconnected. When you nurture yourself, listen to your partner, and invest in your relationship, you create a harmonious flow of energy and intimacy.

Tantra principles provide a powerful framework for this journey. It teaches us to be present, to honor ourselves and our partners, and to cultivate a deep sense of connection.

Nurturing your relationships, especially in the face of challenges, is a journey worth embarking upon. Remember, it's not just about you or your partner; it's about the third entity in your relationship, which is the relationship itself.

By embracing the triad of relationship and applying tantric principles, you can rekindle the flame of intimacy and disappear bed death. How do I know? I’ve done the work and it worked.

I’ve got you. You can do the work too and get the outcome you want.

I’m with you.


Danica Lani

P.S If you like this conversation, you’ll love the #1 problem that keeps queer, lesbian and non-binary couples from having a fulfilling sex life. Download your free gift now.

Hello my friend, 🌈 I'm Danica Lani, here to guide you on a journey of self-discovery and liberation. With over two decades of yoga practice and a decade of teaching experience, I've led transformative workshops on queer tantra for hundreds of queer-identifying women, non-binary, and trans individuals since 2014. My mission is to disappear lesbian bed death and for queer people to enjoy long, juicy, and fulfilling lives together. Join me as we discover the power of tantra within a queer context. 🤗💖 #QueerTantra

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