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Reclaim Your Sexuality: Are You an Introvert or Extrovert?

queer tantra Dec 08, 2023

Working closely with over 100 first-time Drag Kings as the King Coach has given me a rich and deeper understanding of gender, sexuality and performance. Most recently, I’ve come across an interesting discovery about human sexuality.

Emma* knew there was something to discover about themselves when they started the Kings of Joy journey for first-time Drag Kings. They just didn’t know what. Things heated up at the first rehearsal as the group shared their ideas for their Drag King persona, some enthusiastically, some shyly, overcoming nerves as they stepped outside their usual comfort zone.

While brainstorming songs for their debut group performance, the group tried out different masculine expressions through movement. Surrounded by bold moves, overt sexual innuendo and thrusting, Emma immediately found themselves shutting down.

In many a personal development journey, there comes a moment when a wall rises in front of you and you are faced with a choice. You can walk away and stay the person you’ve always known yourself to be. Or, you can take your favourite hat off your head and throw it over the wall with a resolve that you’ll find a way to get it back.

Emma recognised that their experience of being confronted would likely reveal some juicy rewards if they could stay in communication and gently move through the experience. “It’s like being on a roller coaster ride,” I told them. “Once you’re on, the best place to be is buckled into your seat until you’re at the end of the ride.”

As they stayed on the ride, and I listened to their reflections, considerations and thoughts, it became evident that what had shown up in the group dynamic were different expressions of sexuality. 

“I consider my sexuality to be something very sacred. I only share it with select people.” 

I’m instantly transported to a relationship I had with a dynamic and passionate woman. Her words echo in my head as she earnestly described the same thinking to me. “It’s important to be discerning Danica,” she said to me. “I don’t want to share myself with just anyone.” Words flash through my mind: sacred, private, select, discernment.

These values were different than the ones I’d practiced. Sacred yes, but given freely? Also yes. Expressed outwardly? Yes. PDAs? Absolutely. My sexuality is sacred, political and on display. I love loving queer people and love is unlimited. I gratefully receive the liberation I’ve been granted by my queer and lesbian elders and exercise it wherever I can. Do I have boundaries? Yes. I have my own limits and edges.

So what are these two different approaches to sexuality? I’m reminded of the personality traits of introvert and extrovert. What if we applied those useful distinctions to our sexuality?

Introvert in sexuality
Considers their sexuality sacred in a way that has them treat it as precious. Something to contain and hold a special place for. It is saved for and shown to select people. It is not on display. Gets energy from creating a cherished and private space to share themselves.

Extrovert in sexuality
Considers their sexuality sacred in a way that compels them to express and share it. Feels liberated when they express their sexuality publicly..Gets energy from the outward expression of their sexuality, especially when it’s received or witnessed by others.

As with all distinctions, these are made up, so only take what empowers you and leave the rest!

I’d love to know what resonates for you. When you reflect on your sexuality and how you’ve related to and expressed it, which way do you lean? Is your partner the same way or do they lean a different way? No one way is better than the other. Diversity is a gift that allows for a richness of perspective. Without it, life would be dull.

DM me @danicalani on Insta and let me know your thoughts. 

I’m listening.


Danica Lani

P.S. If you like this conversation, you’ll love the #1 problem that keeps queer, lesbian and non-binary couples from having a fulfilling sex life. Download your free gift now.

* Emma is a fictional name and represents a multitude of conversations I’ve had with people.

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