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How to cultivate masculine energy

energy gender gift to the world habits human magnetism queer tantra May 06, 2023

Gender only exists in language. And it’s made up by humans.

Gender refers to the social and cultural roles, attitudes, behaviors, and expectations associated with being a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’.  It is a social construct and can vary across different cultures and contexts. 

Popular language evolves over time in an attempt to describe human experience. This includes the idea of 'gender'. The conversation about gender is something we have inherited. In other words, the people who made it up are strangers and are no longer living.

It is often described as a binary concept, with two distinct categories of ‘man’ and ‘woman’. This binary creates constraints for every living person. Either we conform or we are non-conforming to our assigned gender roles. So often, these categories just don’t fit.

Many expressions of gender exist beyond these two categories. You might identify with being non-binary, trans, or another gender-diverse identity.

Gender is distinct from our sexuality. For example, my sexuality is that I am a lesbian. My gender is bi-gender which means both or all of it.

Sexuality is the way humans express and experience themselves as a sexual being. It includes our sexual orientation or attraction to others. Attraction can be to people of the same sex (homosexuality), the opposite sex (heterosexuality), both sexes (bisexuality), or no sexes (asexuality). Some people say that sexual orientation is based on inherent feelings and desires. 

You could say that gender is the societal expectations and roles assigned based on being a man or a woman. Sexuality is about a person’s inherent sexual attraction. These two concepts are distinct and can intersect with other aspects of our identity.

We all have access to masculine, feminine, and androgynous energies. This is not dependent upon your gender or sexuality. What good news! We are not limited in this way. 

Learning how to apply these energies can be very empowering and useful. They can help you go beyond where you normally stop. They can give you vitality or new ways to participate. You can gain clarity and purpose. This allows you to step out of your everyday self and to look at your life from a new perspective.

Recognising archetypes can be a tangible way to visualise energy. If you look, you’re probably already familiar with different gender archetypes. Think of the warrior, the fierce protector, or the seducer.

Channeling a gender archetype can help you take action to fulfill on what you’re committed to. Especially on those days when you've woken up on the wrong side of the bed.

So what is masculinity?

Let's separate masculine energy into two categories - toxic masculinity and divine masculinity. Anything in the first category, such as sex without consent or misogyny, or violence is toxic. These are not the energies we are not setting out to cultivate. These come from the ego and are fear-based. When masculine energy is not channelled in healthy and respected ways - it comes out sideways.

Masculine characteristics that often come to mind include courage, strength, assertiveness, and leadership. But it’s an archaic thought to dismiss these characteristics as something only ‘men’ can have. At one time, people believed the earth was flat. People used to believe this idea too.

Let's take masculinity out of the human realm with all our flaws. An expanded definition of masculinity goes beyond what we already know. Now we can draw on a deeper understanding of the qualities of masculinity.

Divine masculinity is pure consciousness.

The archetype of divine masculinity allows you to hold space for another. It comes from being present. It allows you to bring your full presence.

Bringing your full presence is very attractive. It is the quality in a person that has everyone turn and look when they walk into a room.

Masculine energy is purpose-driven and can bring a laser-like focus. This makes it useful in getting epic stuff done.

When we are in the presence of the masculine in another person, we find we can relax.  Masculine presence allows us to let go, surrender, open, and ultimately trust.

How is masculine energy useful?

You probably already use masculine energy in many areas of your life. In this society, masculine energy is often required and rewarded in the workplace. But what if you could bring masculine energy into other areas of your life - and consciously?

Imagine what being present would be like for your lover. To have your full attention and presence - without distractions. To gaze into their eyes. What would it be like to be seen by you? To be held by you? To be taken by you?

Can you feel the pure bliss of this? Do you remember a time when you experienced that before?

Another way that masculine energy is useful is that it can get us out of bed in the morning. You know those times when you are still waking up? Then you remember what you're up to that day and you leap out of bed. This is being aligned with our purpose or vision. It compels us into action.  Masculine energy provides powerful fuel. Something can happen that wasn't going to happen anyway. This is leadership.

How do I access divine masculine energy?

Let's take a deep dive into how to access your masculine energy. Then you can immediately bring your full presence into your body and your being. More importantly, you can open yourself up to exploring gender. Find parts of yourself that have been constrained and liberate them.

So learning how to access your masculine energy. One of the things that I've studied for quite a few years now is tantra. And in tantra, as well as yoga, we study energy. We recognise the physical body, and we recognise the energetic body.

For the most part, we know the edges of our body. Our body changes from day to day, month to month, year to year. But the longer we live in our bodies, the more familiar they become. We learn to understand them, work with them, and co-exist together. The energetic body sits about a hand’s width distance away from the physical body. As you play with the energetic body, you will discover it's colours, shape, and edges. It will reveal to you a whole new aspect of yourself to explore.

Recognising the physical body can help us stay grounded and present.  Being here now in this moment.  Removing ourselves or disconnecting from our bodies takes us away from being present.  When we expand ourselves to include our energetic body, life takes on a whole new dimension.

Here’s how being aware of and including the energetic body can make a difference:

The difference between mechanical sex and connected sex is the energetic body. Think about it. The mechanics of sex by themselves are not especially pleasurable. You need to be turned on by what is happening. Mechanics and techniques by themselves are not enough. The energetic body allows you to build energy and expand your capacity for pleasure.

In Tantra, we say that where your attention goes, the energy flows. So when you bring your attention to your crotch and move from there, the energy will flow from there. It will start to build in that part of the body. You get a more masculine presence.

Play with this exercise

As I mentioned earlier, my gender expression is bi-gender. What that looks like for me is that my physical body is female and my energetic body is male. One of the things I do before going on stage as a Drag King is to channel my persona, Dario di Bello. I feel into my energetic body and while I'm standing there I take my attention to my crotch. Often, with my hand, I start pumping my energetic cock. That's what I'm doing when I'm backstage. I'm literally pumping and cultivating this energy.

Regardless of your gender or your sexuality, you can try feeling into the energetic cock. Play around with this energy. If you can’t feel anything, then place your hand on your physical body. Thrust into it. Move your hips and the energy will start to move. See what happens when you start to cultivate masculine energy.

Try this visualisation

Another way to draw down masculine energy is to picture a funnel above your head, sitting on the top of your head. Now picture the furthest-away star you can imagine in the universe. Imagine the light from the star coming down through the top of your head.

You're drawing down energy into your body this way. Next, take your attention to the soles of the feet. Imagine the roots of the trees going out into the ground, deep down into the earth. Then visualise drawing energy back up through your feet. Meet the energy from the top of the head and the souls of your feet at your crotch. You are intentionally cultivating masculine energy. So practice these energy techniques.

One of the things about masculine energy is that it comes through the most when we're present. You have to be present to bring your full presence. And that's what masculine energy is. It's the full presence of you. It is pure consciousness.

Incorporate this practice

Think about someone who's charismatic. It might be an actor or celebrity or someone you spot walking down the street. People notice them. They catch people’s attention when they walk into the room. They're charismatic because they're present - number one. And because they are present, they can bring their full presence. This makes them magnetic and charismatic.

You can practice being magnetic with a practice called return to sitting. Take 15 minutes a day for the next week. Find a comfortable place to sit. Put on a timer for 15 minutes and simply practice sitting with your eyes open.

Notice when you’re not just sitting anymore. Perhaps you’re distracted by the little voice in your head or a niggling pain in your body. Then bring your attention back to simply sitting. Just practice returning to sitting. That's all you're going to do. Practice noticing when you're not present, and bring yourself back to being present.

Make it a habit

These three exercises can help you cultivate your masculine energy and presence. Additionally, you can start observing yourself as you move throughout your day. Notice when masculine energy could make a difference to your mood. How could it help you focus or increase your energy levels? Practice shifting your energy by shifting your attention.

Integrating practices into your daily life starts with doing it once. Then doing it twice. If you miss one day, don’t miss a second day. As James Clear says in Atomic Habits, don’t miss twice. Sometimes it takes a commitment to yourself to not go to bed without having done the new habit. Decide on when you are going to do the practice. Don’t leave it up to chance or to when you ‘feel’ like it. Put a reminder with an alarm on your phone. You have one job - show up.

Oh and one other note. If you find yourself stressed or out of balance, you may have over-cultivated one gender expression. Read this article on how it might be your gender identity and what you can do about it.

Few people talk about the energetic body and using it to be a great lover or live a great life. But cultivating masculine energy and vitality directly impacts your quality of life. It gives you a powerful boost to how much you contribute in life. It’s a limitless source of energy that you can return to over and over again.

Once you start practicing tantra, you will find you have so much vitality, you won’t know what to do with it. The purpose behind tantra is to direct our lifeforce energy into being of service in the world. Be a gift. And you can start practicing today.



The King Coach

P.S. If you like this conversation, you’ll love discovering the #1 problem that keeps queer, lesbian, and non-binary couples from having a fulfilling sex life. Download your free gift here.

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