Back to Blog

Breakups Suck. Always. A Spiritual Guide to Healing

queer tantra Oct 27, 2023

Breakups – they're like that stubborn bandaid you've had on for way too long. Taking it off slowly can be excruciating, like feeling every tiny hair being plucked from your skin. The quick rip approach still hurts, but it gets done and the pain is short-term and disappears sooner. Sometimes we think that being compassionate means taking things slowly. But in my experience, once a relationship is done, then the most compassionate and least amount of suffering is the quick rip approach.

Let’s face it. Separation, whether it's from a long-term partner or after a brief romance, always sucks. There's no way around it. Buckle in because relationship separation is a challenging journey. 

But here's the thing – it doesn't have to take forever and there will be a day when your heart will be healed and you will be free to move on. Just like spiritual practices teach us to be present in the moment, and to connect deeply with ourselves and our higher power, we can apply these principles to our breakup process.

Start this process once it is obvious that either you are done, they are done, you’re both done or the relationship is done. Ask yourself, am I done? If the answer is no, then stand for the relationship one more time. At some point, if it’s not going to work out, you will reach a place where the answer to the question am I done is yes. Once you get to the place, it’s time to act baby.

Physical separation

Physically separate as quickly as possible. There are going to be several other layers of separation that require your attention and conscious work so don’t waste your energy or time on the physical stuff. 

Start with separating objects. Returning anything that belongs to the other person, collecting your objects from their place (all of them), or moving your things (or theirs) out. Get your butt out of there. Or theirs. Don’t waste any time on this. Make it happen.

You will be tempted, consciously or unconsciously, to keep an item of theirs or forget an item of yours. This forms an energetic and emotional bond with them and keeps you both connected. Don’t do this. Be aware of them doing the same thing. Don’t let this happen. Be thorough and rigorous. Don’t miss any physical items.

Disagreeing over a physical object? Can you let it go? Can you give it to them as a gift? The gift will be to you in freeing yourself from any physical and energetic bonds with them.

Separating assets

This step often involves life admin so pull on your big girl or big non-binary pants and get this shit done. Open new bank accounts, close joint accounts, change your superannuation financial beneficiary and your will. If your assets are more complicated, get professional advice and support from financial advisors and lawyers if need be. Be aware to take advice from professionals, not from well-meaning family or friends.

Fur babies and human babies

Each of these deserves its own article. Suffice to say, dealing with fur babies or kids during separation adds many more layers of complexity. Get support and seek legal advice so you know where you stand. 

Emotional separation

Allow yourself to grieve. Observe the stages of grief as you go through them. It’s ok. It’s normal and understandable.

Get your emotions expressed. Don’t repress them or bottle them up, avoid or ignore them. Here are some ways to get them safely expressed without making a mess with your ex or your friends:

  • Give yourself permission to cry into a pillow or out in the bush
  • Talk with a non-judgmental, no-advice-giving friend. Get everything said. If you don’t have a friend like that, then journal. The page is blank and judgment-free. 
  • Journal anyway. Get a pen, write it out, and get it all said.
  • Get creative: Write a poem, a song, or a novel. Paint, draw, play guitar, sing, or move.
  • If you can’t find the words, use someone else’s in a banger of a song. Drive around in the car singing at the top of your lungs. (Never drive if you are upset or distressed. Pause until the emotional charge has passed.)
  • If you still can’t find the words, get it expressed visually through collaging. Grab a magazine from the op shop (the best one for expressive real images is National Geographic) and tear out images that resonate with you. Arrange them on a page and glue them down. 
  • Rinse and Repeat.

Give yourself a whole lot of room for the space you’re going through and bucketloads of compassion. You’re going to need it.

Mindful separation

As Kylie says, I just can’t get you outta my head. If they are on your mind, your job is to retrain your brain to focus on other things. Things that make you feel good. Distract yourself. 

  • Pat a dog. Curl up with a cat. 
  • If you can’t sleep, listen to uplifting audio. No, I don’t mean true crime. I mean Yoga Nidra or a soothing favourite childhood story. My go-to is to listen to Abraham Hicks on the Law of Attraction. Try rain or thunder sounds or the sound of a crackling fire. Listen to 432 Hz music deep healing for the body and soul. Whatever soothes you.
  • Rewatch a favourite TV show or movie. Choose the one that always makes you laugh. Or one that is uplifting or moving.
  • Give yourself a full body massage with coconut oil. (Risky, you gotta stay present and not turn this into a longing for your ex. It’s ok if that happens but you want to keep energetically separating yourself. Focus on yourself and what feels good in your own body.)

Obsession means something is on your mind. And it won’t get off your mind. If you find yourself still thinking about them, just know that it’s neural pathways in your brain that have gotten into this habit. Give yourself an effective visual image. Imagine that every time you think of them, you are picking up a turd. And you’re fascinated by it. You keep picking it up and turning it over in the palm of your hand. You’re so fascinated that you stare at it in wonder and next thing you know, you’re sniffing it to see how it smells. You look at it from one angle, now another angle until one day, you wake up to yourself and you burst out, Put down the turd!! Stop playing with it.

Now every time your brain thinks of them, remind yourself that you’ve just picked up the turd again and no matter how much you polish it, it’s still a turd so stop playing with it. Put it down and move on.

Being present is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. But your brain is not wired that way. It takes yogic focus and training. Your brain is designed to go over the past to make sure you survive next time around or to predict the future to make sure you survive that too. Being present, being here now is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. 

Let your thoughts pass by, just like clouds in the sky. One of the most effective ways to get present is to notice when you’re not present and bring yourself back to your breath. Feel your breath coming in and out of your nose. Breath is a now phenomenon, there’s no other time breath is happening but now. So tune into it.

Energetic separation

One of the best ways to energetically separate is to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean agreeing or condoning any bad behaviour. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. When you forgive the other person for all of their crimes, you free yourself. The access to forgiveness is giving something up. You can’t be right and forgive. The two don’t go together. You have to give one of them up. (I recommend giving up being right. Would you rather be right or happy?)

Resentment is when we drink the poison and hope that the other person dies. Holding onto resentment only extends your suffering and keeps you energetically connected to the person. Do a guided letting-go meditation.

Feeling revengeful? It’s ok, that’s a normal feeling - but not one to act on. Let it pass. It will. The best revenge is to live a great life. And you can do that best by separating energetically from your ex and discovering this new chapter of your life, being the best most beautiful version of yourself yet.

Cut energetically by sweeping your hand from the back of your neck, over the top of your head and down the front of your body, past your pelvis. Do this three times. Don’t worry, you can never cut love. You’re cutting all other energetic cords, contracts and ties that no longer serve you or them and that are not for your higher good. Rinse and repeat.

Allow time

The pattern I’ve seen is that it takes at least 2 years to fully separate after a long-term committed relationship. And that’s with doing the work. So be kind to yourself. Remember, breakups always suck. 

Once it’s done, then get it done, because there are always several layers to separation to work through. Spiritual practices of being present, forgiveness, mindfulness, and letting go will guide you in navigating these choppy waters. You will get through this. You are healing. And something even better is coming for you. I know it.


Danica Lani

P.S. If you like this conversation, you’ll love the #1 problem that keeps queer, lesbian and non-binary couples from having a fulfilling sex life. Download your free gift now.

Hello my friend, 🌈 I'm Danica Lani, your empowering guide on a journey of self-discovery and liberation. With over two decades of yoga practice and a decade of teaching experience, I've led transformative workshops on queer tantra for hundreds of queer-identifying women, non-binary, and trans individuals since 2014. My mission is to empower you to disappear lesbian bed death and for queer people to enjoy long, juicy, and fulfilling lives together. Join me as we discover the power of tantra within a queer context. 🤗💖 #QueerTantra

Get me in your inbox!

Inspiration and love letters delivered right to your inbox. 

No spam. I will never sell your information, for any reason.