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How do we shift from carer to lover?

How do we shift from carer to lover?

Over the years, during periods of ill health, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had many women who have cared for me. [Thank you!! You know who you are.] And there have been times when I’ve been a carer to my partner. When a partner steps into a caring role, our attention and energy goes into tending to those practicalities that assist with healing – making food, taking care of household tasks, massage, making more food – chicken soup, have you taken your medication/vitamins? Being supportive and emotionally available.  Listening to vivid descriptions of symptoms, theories of self-diagnosis and oftentimes listening to complaining and whining. Some of us even worry about our partner’s health. Worry doesn’t make much of a difference – it can be a useful motivator at times, but it also comes with it’s own cost to our wellbeing.

After going through days or weeks of being the carer, what’s left when the care is no longer intensively needed? Habits of care? Do you find yourself now organised around caring for your partner? Your thinking and actions are now orientated that way? Do you ever notice what happens to your sexuality, to your sexual energy? When your partner is not well, it’s not always the time for raucous lovemaking. In fact, most of us restrain ourselves and set aside our desire when caring for our beloved.

Declaring a period of care complete goes a long way in being free to shift from carer to lover. I start with acknowledgement. Thank you for caring for me so beautifully and meticulously. You did a great job of taking care of me – thank you. There may even be some things to acknowledge that were challenging or painful. Thank you for not making me wrong even when I was at my most whiny or my most down and dark moments. Or simple things like, thank you so much for that chicken soup you made – it was magic for my bones.

It’s a simple declaration – thanks for the great job you did, and your work here is done. And here’s where sexuality comes in. Once we have shifted to a resting phase (see the work of Jaiya for more words on ‘resting’ – the kindest distinctions around sexuality I’ve come across), it often feels like our sexuality has become dormant. Maybe we feel shut down, cut off or numb? Physically and energetically. It’s like our sexual energy has gone to sleep. Guess what? It has! You’ve been in a resting phase.

In an ideal world, what’s your favourite way to wake up? Many of us wake up to the sudden interruption of an alarm to which our internal dialogue says, press snooze. But just imagine it’s your day off, there’s nowhere you need to be, how do you like to wake up? Sexuality can be like that also.  It’s needs some warming up, some gentle reawakening. It’s alive, and always there – it never goes away, and yet it can be dormant. Start with a gentle massage, and quite possibly some coconut oil…

By the way, for those of you who are now curious, interested or intrigued, I’ll be facilitating a Tantra is Love workshop on Yoni Massage at the 2016 7 Sisters festival.

Do I?

Do I?

I’m afraid of marriage. No, it’s not the commitment – I’ve demonstrated my ability to commit in relationship. I love the commitment and devotion. It’s not the ‘forever’ either. I’m wired to dive straight into forever. It would always be an open marriage as it’s against my values to be sexually exclusive. So is it the cultural maya of marriage – the ‘trap’ of it? Is it that I’ve been rejected before when I asked the woman I loved to marry me several times and she said no?

When people ask me if I’m going to get married to my partner, I always say, ‘It’s not legal…’ I want to point that out. My view is – heterosexual people with the right to marry should be the ones to change this law and make it equal. And I’m glad some of you are finally speaking up. But I’m not going to do anything about it.

It’s just that I have a niggling feeling, a suspicion that I now use the ‘it’s not legal’ line to back people off. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of wanting something that I might not be able to have, I’m afraid of getting married just so we can get divorced, I’m definitely afraid of bringing two families together. I’ve had two families before and after losing one in the ‘divorce’, I can’t bear the thought of losing another…

Should we have the choice? Yes. Then just watch me squirm in the public declaration and legality of marriage. Here’s one way to make it equal – abolish marriage – what’s it got to do with the State anyway? I don’t even know if I believe what I just wrote…

The thing is, I don’t want to get straight married. I’m not for straight marriage. I’m personally just not ready for it. I’d rather get gay married. You know, where there’s lip synching at the engagement party and Lady Gaga costumes at the wedding under a big gay mirror ball…

Ps. Of course I do!

Image source:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/super-cute-lesbian-wedding-ideas#.td71LDBwD

Who is Tantra Is Love?

Who is Tantra Is Love?

I first met Emma Power, the co-founder of Tantra Is Love when she was an Ambassador of the Bourke St lululemon athletica store. My expertise at lululemon was in goal coaching. Emma told me she’d been traveling to Thailand over the last six years and studying tantra. Given how powerful the work is, she naturally wanted to share it and she wanted to make it accessible to the masses. We had one goal setting session to start mapping out what she could offer and by when. Off she went and with her co-founder Eyal, began Tantra Is Love. Of course I went to the first Sexuality Workshop I could, to support Emma and yes, to satiate some of my own curiosity. I assisted as an ‘Emotional Support Person’ in the Tantra Is Love workshops over four years and now lead the Women for Women workshop.

Tantra is Love provides the most professional, down to earth, respectful space I’ve come across in the world of tantra. Their next Sexuality workshop is coming up on Oct 9, 2015. Ready to satiate some of your own curiosity? Book here.

What is Tantra? See here.

Keep an eye out for my upcoming blog posts on tantra…