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Control or surrender?

Control or surrender?

Today I realised I’m a control freak – again! I was speaking with my mentor, Marjie in the US and I discovered a propensity to be very controlled about my circumstances. I’m in control a lot of the time. In fact, I’ve designed my life to be a certain way and manage my environment to be a certain way. However there are some circumstances in life where I actually don’t have control. I can’t control my girlfriend for example – anyone else ever tried to control their partner’s behaviour? I also can’t control the surgery I’m having tomorrow. My life will literally be in other people’s hands. And that’s their job – to wholly and completely take care of me.  Talk about an opportunity to surrender. It helps that I trust my surgeon and my anaesthetist. In Tantra, trust is what allows us to open and surrender further and further. I actually love surrendering – those moments when you can let go completely and give yourself over in the hands of another, or even the universe. And so today I surrender.

How do we shift from carer to lover?

How do we shift from carer to lover?

Over the years, during periods of ill health, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had many women who have cared for me. [Thank you!! You know who you are.] And there have been times when I’ve been a carer to my partner. When a partner steps into a caring role, our attention and energy goes into tending to those practicalities that assist with healing – making food, taking care of household tasks, massage, making more food – chicken soup, have you taken your medication/vitamins? Being supportive and emotionally available.  Listening to vivid descriptions of symptoms, theories of self-diagnosis and oftentimes listening to complaining and whining. Some of us even worry about our partner’s health. Worry doesn’t make much of a difference – it can be a useful motivator at times, but it also comes with it’s own cost to our wellbeing.

After going through days or weeks of being the carer, what’s left when the care is no longer intensively needed? Habits of care? Do you find yourself now organised around caring for your partner? Your thinking and actions are now orientated that way? Do you ever notice what happens to your sexuality, to your sexual energy? When your partner is not well, it’s not always the time for raucous lovemaking. In fact, most of us restrain ourselves and set aside our desire when caring for our beloved.

Declaring a period of care complete goes a long way in being free to shift from carer to lover. I start with acknowledgement. Thank you for caring for me so beautifully and meticulously. You did a great job of taking care of me – thank you. There may even be some things to acknowledge that were challenging or painful. Thank you for not making me wrong even when I was at my most whiny or my most down and dark moments. Or simple things like, thank you so much for that chicken soup you made – it was magic for my bones.

It’s a simple declaration – thanks for the great job you did, and your work here is done. And here’s where sexuality comes in. Once we have shifted to a resting phase (see the work of Jaiya for more words on ‘resting’ – the kindest distinctions around sexuality I’ve come across), it often feels like our sexuality has become dormant. Maybe we feel shut down, cut off or numb? Physically and energetically. It’s like our sexual energy has gone to sleep. Guess what? It has! You’ve been in a resting phase.

In an ideal world, what’s your favourite way to wake up? Many of us wake up to the sudden interruption of an alarm to which our internal dialogue says, press snooze. But just imagine it’s your day off, there’s nowhere you need to be, how do you like to wake up? Sexuality can be like that also.  It’s needs some warming up, some gentle reawakening. It’s alive, and always there – it never goes away, and yet it can be dormant. Start with a gentle massage, and quite possibly some coconut oil…

By the way, for those of you who are now curious, interested or intrigued, I’ll be facilitating a Tantra is Love workshop on Yoni Massage at the 2016 7 Sisters festival.

Who is Tantra Is Love?

Who is Tantra Is Love?

I first met Emma Power, the co-founder of Tantra Is Love when she was an Ambassador of the Bourke St lululemon athletica store. My expertise at lululemon was in goal coaching. Emma told me she’d been traveling to Thailand over the last six years and studying tantra. Given how powerful the work is, she naturally wanted to share it and she wanted to make it accessible to the masses. We had one goal setting session to start mapping out what she could offer and by when. Off she went and with her co-founder Eyal, began Tantra Is Love. Of course I went to the first Sexuality Workshop I could, to support Emma and yes, to satiate some of my own curiosity. I assisted as an ‘Emotional Support Person’ in the Tantra Is Love workshops over four years and now lead the Women for Women workshop.

Tantra is Love provides the most professional, down to earth, respectful space I’ve come across in the world of tantra. Their next Sexuality workshop is coming up on Oct 9, 2015. Ready to satiate some of your own curiosity? Book here.

What is Tantra? See here.

Keep an eye out for my upcoming blog posts on tantra…